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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29598576">bgt songfics</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplybgt/pseuds/simplybgt'>simplybgt</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Britain's Got Talent RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, F/M, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 02:01:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,209</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29598576</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplybgt/pseuds/simplybgt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This will be the home to all of my bgt songfics except for the ones that are already published</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alesha Dixon/Amanda Holden, Alesha Dixon/David Walliams, Amanda Holden/ Simon Cowell, Simon Cowell/David Walliams</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. then | simanda</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I remember, trying not to stare, the night that I first met you</em>
</p><p>Simon picked up the photos out of the box. They were disorganized but things had been that way since his wife's diagnosis. Cancer. They hadn't thought it would be in their future together when they had gotten married five years ago, almost six.</p><p>
  <em>You had me mesmerized</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And three weeks later, in the front porch light</em>
</p><p>Simon picked up the first photo from the box. It was of Simon holding Amanda's daughter, Lexi during one of the tapings of auditions for Britain's got Talent for the first season. That had been when they had begun their affair of just sex and broke it off when Amanda was trying for a baby with her former husband.</p><p>
  <em>Taking forty-five minutes to kiss goodnight</em>
</p><p>The next picture in the box was of Amanda and Simon kissing during one of the many red carpets for BGT they had done. That picture was from two years ago. Before Amanda had gotten the diagnosis. Simon could separate the pictures into before and after Amanda's lung cancer diagnosis.</p><p>
  <em>I hadn't told you yet</em>
  <br/>
  <em>But I thought I loved you then</em>
</p><p>The picture below that one was of their wedding as they were exchanging rings. Simon had been hesitant to propose to Amanda more out of nerves and he had thrown up right before he and David, his best man, were going to go down the aisle. Simon chuckled at the memory and set the picture down onto the bed.</p><p>
  <em>And now you're my whole life</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Now you're my whole world</em>
</p><p>He took the rest of the pictures out of the box to sort them. Amanda had asked him to put the pictures into a few scrapbooks but they had more boxes of pictures to go through.</p><p>
  <em>I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl</em>
</p><p>He could feel the love for his wife soar when he found the picture of Amanda taken when they were on their honeymoon. She was pulling a funny face to the camera and it was clear that he had been laughing when he was trying to take the picture.</p><p>
  <em>Like a river meets the sea,</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Stronger than it's ever been.</em>
</p><p>Simon had promised Amanda that he was going to stay by her side throughout the chemotherapy treatment that she had gone through for lung cancer. He had told her that he loved her so much during the treatments. Amanda had been diagnosed two years ago to the day and she had just completed her last round of chemotherapy.</p><p>
  <em>We've come so far since that day</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And I thought I loved you then</em>
</p><p>He found the picture that he had been dreading finding. Amanda during her last round of chemotherapy. She looked so thin in her clothing, she was missing all of her hair, but she was holding her thumbs up to the camera and grinning from ear to ear.</p><p>
  <em>And I remember, taking you back to right where I first met you,</em>
</p><p>Simon had brought Amanda back to the theatre where the first ever BGT auditions had been filmed and reproposed two years ago after she had been diagnosed and they had renewed their vows, unsure of how much time they had left with each other but Amanda was still here in the world two years later.</p><p>
  <em>You were so surprised</em>
  <br/>
  <em>There were people around, but I didn't care</em>
</p><p>A crowd had congregated around them when Simon was reproposing to his wife and Amanda had been shocked that Simon was reproposing in a public space, where paparazzi could take pictures of them. Simon had printed the pictures the paps had taken of them that day and put them into the box.</p><p>
  <em>I got down on one knee right there and once again,</em>
</p><p>Simon pulled those pictures out of the box and he smiled when he found the picture with Amanda's reaction in it. They had celebrated their anniversary by renewing their vows, just after Amanda had been diagnosed.</p><p>
  <em>I thought I loved you then</em>
</p><p>Amanda came into their bedroom, smiling as she watched Simon sort the pictures. She sat on the bed carefully. Her joints ached after going through so much chemotherapy though it ended up being successful.</p><p>
  <em>But now you're my whole life</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Now you're my whole world</em>
</p><p>She had soft, extremely light blonde hair starting to grow back on her head after her last round of chemo. She was so happy about it and had stopped wearing hats to show off what she was gaining again.</p><p>
  <em>I just can't believe, the way I feel about you, girl</em>
</p><p>Simon smiled as Amanda reached down, picking up some of their photos and the one momento that was going to go into one of the scrapbooks, a positive pregnancy test.</p><p>
  <em>Like a river meets the sea,</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Stronger than it's ever been.</em>
</p><p>They had gone through fertility treatments to make having their daughter possible and it had worked. Amanda had gotten pregnant, almost naturally after a year of trying. Amanda had been forty nine when she had gotten pregnant and fifty when she gave birth.</p><p>
  <em>We've come so far since that day</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And I thought I loved you then</em>
</p><p>Their daughter was four now and somewhere in the house, there was a dvd of Amanda giving birth naturally. Simon wasn't sure where it was or he would have taken stills from it and printed them out to put them into the scrapbooks.</p><p>
  <em>And I can just see you, with a baby on the way</em>
</p><p>There was a scrapbook just dedicated to Amanda's pregnancy with their daughter and dozens of pictures of her large with his child. Simon loved to take pictures of Amanda while she was pregnant and wearing no makeup. She just had a natural beauty to herself that Simon loved.</p><p>
  <em>And I can just see you, when your hair is turning gray</em>
</p><p>Amanda had thought that she was going to look ugly bald and to Simon, she looked more beautiful than she did when she had hair. Their hands touched when they reached for the same photo, one of Amanda holding their daughter for the first time ever and breastfeeding her.</p><p>
  <em>What I can't see is how I'm ever gonna love you more</em>
</p><p>Simon leaned up and he kissed Amanda softly on the lips, telling her that he loved her. She blushed, the reaction she had ever since they had become a couple and said it back to him.</p><p>
  <em>But I've said that before</em>
</p><p>Almost all the photos were sorted into the scrapbooks with momentoes either in the scrapbooks if they fit or in small photo boxes. Amanda picked up the pregnancy test and she asked Simon if he remembered how excited she had been when they had found out that she was pregnant.</p><p>
  <em>And now you're my whole life</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Now you're my whole world</em>
</p><p>Of course he remembered it clearly. Amanda's face had been priceless when she had found out. Simon was sure his had been as well. She slid the test into the first page of the scrapbook documenting her last pregnancy with the first ultrasound they had gone to.</p><p>
  <em>I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl</em>
</p><p>She closed the scrapbook and she laid down in bed, clearly tired. Simon climbed into bed with her and she cuddled up to him, her head on his chest. He rubbed her back and she fell asleep on top of him.</p><p>
  <em>We'll look back someday, at this moment that we're in</em>
</p><p>Simon couldn't believe that Amanda was still in the world with him or how grateful he was for it. She had faced cancer and had won the fight but it wasn't over yet. She had to recover from what she had gone though and she needed her husband's support the most through it.</p><p>
  <em>And I'll look at you and say</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And I thought I loved you then</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And I thought I loved you then</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. impossible | alemanda</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I remember years ago</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Someone told me I should take</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Caution when it comes to love</em>
</p><p>They were over, done, finished. Amanda could have put it a million different ways. She was heartbroken. Her girlfriend of nine years, Alesha had cheated on her and had affairs behind her back. Alesha wasn't happy in the relationship anymore. She needed out of it was the way she put it.</p><p>
  <em>I did, I did</em>
</p><p>Amanda was emotionless now. She felt nothing but heartbreak. It was awful and she hated it. She hated what Alesha had done. She had thought their love was impossible to break but it had done the impossible.</p><p>
  <em>And you were strong and I was not</em>
  <br/>
  <em>My illusion, my mistake</em>
</p><p>Whenever she saw Alesha at work, it looked at though she was happy. She was stronger emotionally than Amanda was. She was going to make it through the break up but Amanda doubted herself that she would make it to the end of the week.</p><p>
  <em>I was careless, I forgot</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I did</em>
</p><p>In a morbid way, she wanted to be correct that she wasn't going to make it to the end of the week. She and Alesha had been engaged and that had been broken off. Alesha had been Amanda's soulmate.</p><p>
  <em>And now when all is done</em>
  <br/>
  <em>There is nothing to say</em>
</p><p>There was no one out in Earth that would be able to heal Amanda's broken heart. She wouldn't be able to love after Alesha. She had given too much of herself to Alesha.</p><p>
  <em>You have gone and so effortlessly</em>
  <br/>
  <em>You have won</em>
</p><p>They had been together since they were eighteen and Amanda had lost her virginity to Alesha. She had given her body to her girlfriend. She would never have that sort of loving relationship with anyone else.</p><p>
  <em>You can go ahead tell them</em>
</p><p>She just wanted to die. She wanted to commit suicide. She had already been cutting herself. There were countless scars on her wrists that she hid on a daily basis.</p><p>
  <em>Tell them all I know now</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Shout it from the roof tops</em>
</p><p>Amanda wanted to go through with committing suicide and she had all the things in which she was going to do it. There was a knife hidden in the bathroom with pain pills that she had been popping since the break up two weeks ago.</p><p>
  <em>Write it on the skyline</em>
  <br/>
  <em>All we had is gone now</em>
</p><p>She was starting to develop a dependency on drugs to stop feeling anything and she would come into work on drugs. Amanda would act like nothing was wrong not to arouse any suspicion and she would make it through the workday.</p><p>
  <em>Tell them I was happy</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And my heart is broken</em>
</p><p>Amanda still loved Alesha but there wasn't a chance they would get back together. No chance in fucking hell would they get back together was what Amanda kept thinking. Alesha had cheated and there was no telling that she would continue to do it behind Amanda's back.</p><p>
  <em>All my scars are open</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Tell them what I hoped would be</em>
</p><p>Amanda had bared her soul to Alesha and had told her the deepest secrets that she had. Alesha knew that Amanda had an abortion when she was eighteen because she didn't want to become a teenage mother or carry a baby after being raped by a man she was going to university with.</p><p>
  <em>Impossible, impossible</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Impossible, impossible</em>
</p><p>Amanda had always been wary about sex and sexual relationships ever since. Alesha had healed her from the fear and it had returned. Alesha even knew Amanda had suffered from depression since being raped and becoming pregnant.</p><p>
  <em>Falling out of love is hard</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Falling for betrayal is worst</em>
</p><p>Amanda was through with life. She had regressed back to the dark place she had gone into before she and Alesha had started dating. Alesha should have known that Amanda was planning on attempting suicide.</p><p>
  <em>Broken trust and broken hearts</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I know, I know</em>
</p><p>Amanda rubbed her wrist, feeling the searing wounds. The pain felt good, welcome. She liked the pain she felt whenever she rubbed one of her cuts.</p><p>
  <em>Thinking all you need is there</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Building faith on love and words</em>
</p><p>She rubbed a cut until it started to bleed. That cut had been scabbing over and she restarted the process of it with another one. She let out a quiet moan of pleasure with the welcomed feeling of the pain.</p><p>
  <em>Empty promises will wear</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I know</em>
</p><p>She watched the blood well up in the cuts, forming crimson lines on her wrists that were evenly spaced and cut. Amanda loved watching her own blood come out of her body and it brought her pleasure whenever she saw it.</p><p>
  <em>And now when all is gone</em>
  <br/>
  <em>There is nothing to say</em>
</p><p>Amanda showered, taking her shaving razor and gliding it across the scarred skin of her left wrist. She did the same with her right as she watched the blood from the left drain down the shower drain.</p><p>
  <em>And if you're done with embarrassing me</em>
</p><p>She was at home and by herself. She didn't live with anyone, not since she and Alesha had broken up. The loneliness was overpowering some nights and Amanda would cut to get rid of that feeling.</p><p>
  <em>On your own you can go ahead tell them</em>
</p><p>She washed her body, wincing as the soap ran into her cuts. She let out a moan of pain and slid down the shower wall and onto her arse. Amanda looked down at her body, seeing the small breasts and the shaved pubic bone.</p><p>
  <em>Tell them all I know now</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Shout it from the roof tops</em>
</p><p>The hair was starting to grow back on her pubic bone. Alesha had loved it whenever Amanda had a shaved pussy as she called it.  The hair didn't get in the way when Alesha used to eat her out.</p><p>
  <em>Write it on the skyline</em>
  <br/>
  <em>All we had is gone now</em>
</p><p>She didn't care that the hair was growing back at all. She didn't care about anything anymore. Amanda just cared about leaving the world forever.</p><p>
  <em>Tell them I was happy</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And my heart is broken</em>
</p><p>She planned to attempt suicide tonight. Amanda was hoping to go through with it and she didn't doubt herself but there was one small part of her that was telling herself not to do it.</p><p>
  <em>All my scars are open</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Tell them what I hoped would be</em>
</p><p>She wrapped the cuts after shutting off the shower, seeing the blood begin to stain the white bandages around her wrists. Amanda dried off her thin form and smiled when she saw how thin she had become in the past couple of weeks.</p><p>
  <em>Impossible, impossible</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Impossible, impossible</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Impossible, impossible</em>
</p><p>Amanda got herself ready for bed, not bothering to pack a lunch or to get out clothes for the next work day. She didn't know if she was even going to be in the world for the next day.</p><p>
  <em>Ooh impossible</em>
</p><p>She climbed into bed after unwrapping the bloody bandages from a couple of fresh cuts she had made in the shower. Amanda watched some of the blood from her wrist drip onto the bed covers and she looked at the horizontal cuts, bringing her arms to her legs.</p><p>
  <em>I remember years ago</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Someone told me I should take</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Caution when it comes to love</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I did</em>
</p><p>Amanda rocked in bed, back and forth repetitively. She was fighting the urge to go into the bathroom to take pain relief pills and cut herself to almost the point of no turning back. She couldn't resist the demons in her head amymore.</p><p>
  <em>Tell them all I know now</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Shout it from the roof top</em>
</p><p>Amanda wanted to go through with the attempt and take her own life. Tonight was the night she was going to do it. She went into the bathroom, closing and locking the door so if anyone came to her home looking for her, they wouldn't be able to save her.</p><p>
  <em>Write it on the skyline</em>
  <br/>
  <em>All we had is gone now</em>
</p><p>Amanda set out the knife and she took some of the pain relief pills. They never truly worked for heartbreak but they worked for the fix she needed. She had gotten herself to be always on them and always carrying them for when she needed another hit of them. It was time.</p><p>
  <em>Tell them I was happy</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And my heart is broken</em>
</p><p>She raised the knife to her body, pointing it towards her heart and made a slash, not deep enough to kill herself. Amanda doubled over in pain and she cut her wrist deeply enough to cause bleeding bad enough for her to loose blood rapidly.</p><p>
  <em>All my scars are open</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Tell them what I hoped would be</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Impossible, impossible</em>
</p><p>She fell down, the knife clattering down to herself and going into her thigh. Amanda screamed in pain and she felt the darkness swallow her as she lost more and more blood. She was awaiting death with open arms.</p><p>
  <em>Impossible, impossible</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Impossible, impossible</em>
</p><p>She had done it. She felt her soul rise and fly, her invisible body showing none of the scars or cuts she had made. She had success in attempting suicide and she didn't regret it. Alesha wouldn't miss her. They didn't love each other anymore anyways.</p><p>
  <em>I remember years ago</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Someone told me I should take</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Caution when it comes to love</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I did</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. to love again | dalesha</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>All this time I felt so lost, lost and needed help.</em>
</p><p>David knew that Alesha was broken after her ex boyfriend, Azuka, had cheated on her. He had seen her puffy eyes from crying. Azuka had left Alesha heartbroken and their daughter didn't understand what was wrong with her mother. David was taking care of the little girl, Azura, and her mother.</p><p>
  <em>Incomplete, out of reach, All alone by myself.</em>
</p><p>One day Alesha had seemed better. Her eyes weren't puffy from crying and she seemed to be happy. David had yearned for the days that Alesha was happy again. He had fallen in love with her against his own will and David found himself wanking at night to his fantasies of Alesha in bed, making love to him like she had never been heartbroken.</p><p>
  <em>It all becomes so clear, when I see your face.</em>
</p><p>So he asked her to be his girlfriend when she awoke the next morning, happier than what she had been normally after the breakup. Alesha had said yes to him as long as they could take the relationship at the pace she wanted, slow. They waited six months before announcing their relationship on Alesha's Twitter and then onto David's Twitter accounts.</p><p>
  <em>And it's only when you're near, I feel I'm safe.</em>
</p><p>The couple was nearing their first anniversary and they hadn't made love yet, which had frustrated David at first as all Alesha would do was get him hard when they snogged and she wouldn't at least wank him off. He would have to put cold water on to his cock until Alesha was ready to make love to him.</p><p>
  <em>So before we take this road, before you change my mind,</em>
</p><p>Tonight was the night Alesha thought she was ready mentally to make love to David and she had arranged a date at a fancy restaurant for the two of them. The date had gone well, more romantic than any of their other dates in the past had been and David knew it. She could tell he was in the mood when they got home that night. Alesha wanted to tease him just a little longer.</p><p>
  <em>Fill my heart with hope, help me to believe this time.</em>
</p><p>David had gone into the bathroom to get ready for bed, allowing Alesha to put on black lingerie and arrange herself on the bed. She was ready for David, more than ever really. David's jaw dropped when he came out of the bathroom and saw her.</p><p>
  <em>I've been torn apart,</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Desperately try to find a way back to my heart,</em>
</p><p>He touched and kissed her body gently, as though she was as delicate as a butterfly. Alesha allowed him to do it, gently urging him on until they were both undressed and two of his fingers had worked their way into her vagina.</p><p>
  <em>So I can love again.</em>
</p><p>Alesha mewled with pleasure, her toes flexing against the bed covers. David's lips were around her right nipple and his thumb was pressing against her clit as he thrusted his fingers in her. Alesha moaned out that she needed him and he pulled his fingers out of her, slipping a condom onto his cock.</p><p>
  <em>Ooh, help me love again. Ooh yeah.</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I'm so tired of holding on, so tired of waiting.</em>
</p><p>He positioned himself above her, his cock teasing her clit and they made eye contact as he thrusted in slowly and gently. David watched her face for any trace of pain but there was none. Alesha moaned out David's name with pleasure and she kissed him softly.</p><p>
  <em>I need to feel something real, without it breaking.</em>
</p><p>David began to thrust gently, muttering out how much he loved her in between their kisses and moans. Alesha could feel the heat rising in core. David was slowly becoming a moaning mess with a finger playing with her clit while he thrusted.</p><p>
  <em>It all becomes so clear, when you touch my hand.</em>
</p><p>Alesha moaned David's name, filled with pleasure and love. He was close to his own climax, David's thrusts becoming rougher as he brought her close to another climax.</p><p>
  <em>And it's only when you're near, I know you understand.</em>
</p><p>David moaned out her name, sounding like music to her ears as his thrusted became longer and gentler when he rode out his climax. Alesha came again as he climaxed, mewling David's name with pleasure.</p><p>
  <em>So before we take this road,</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Before you change my mind,</em>
</p><p>He pulled out of her, disposing of the used condom and pulled Alesha close to his warm body. David kissed her forehead, pulling the blankets over her and telling her how much he loved her again. Alesha cuddled up against him, resting her head on his chest and repeating what he said to her back to him.</p><p>
  <em>Fill my heart with hope,</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Help me to believe this time.</em>
</p><p>David rubbed Alesha's back, coaxing her into a deep sleep on his chest. He was truly surprised that Alesha wanted to make love that night when she had been adamant about not doing it the night before.</p><p>
  <em>I've been torn apart,</em>
</p><p>He had managed to teach Alesha how to love again slowly and gently</p><p>
  <em>Desperately try to find a way back to my heart,</em>
  <br/>
  <em>So I can love again.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. jealous | alemanda</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>'m jealous of the rain</em><br/><em>That falls upon your ski</em>n</p><p>Alesha had gotten the news the day before, from Amanda’s mother, that her ex girlfriend had committed suicide because she had broken up with her. She regretted my actions of breaking up with Amanda because she felt responsible for her death. Alesha had known Amanda had fragile mental health but yet she had chosen to break up with her, stupidly thinking that she didn’t really feel happy in their relationship anymore and that she would rather be with other people.</p><p>
  <em>It's closer than my hands have been</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I'm jealous of the rain</em>
</p><p>Alesha had had affairs behind Amanda’s back, leading up to their breakup and she regretted those affairs now. Alesha had stupidly thought that she wasn’t happy in her’s and Amanda’s relationship anymore.</p><p>
  <em>I'm jealous of the wind</em>
  <br/>
  <em>That ripples through your clothes</em>
</p><p>Alesha was now jealous of Amanda because she knew that Amanda was happier in heaven without her. It was hard for Alesha to believe that the love of her life was truly gone because she had committed suicide. She wanted to be with Amanda so badly.</p><p>
  <em>It's closer than your shadow</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Oh, I'm jealous of the wind, cause</em>
</p><p>Alesha had attended Amanda’s funeral and had noted how the scars on Amanda’s wrists were covered by long sleeves and the fact her family had laid roses over Amanda’s heart, which Alesha knew had a large slash wound on it. She was beginning to envision her own death and what it would be like to die herself.</p><p>
  <em>I wished you the best of</em>
  <br/>
  <em>All this world could give</em>
</p><p>Alesha gave fake smiles whenever she was asked if she was alright after the death of her ex girlfriend. Alesha just longed to be out of this world and into the next so she could be reunited with the love of her life. She had never really stopped loving Amanda and now that Amanda was gone, that love was trying to kill her so she could be with her dead fiance.</p><p>
  <em>And I told you when you left me</em>
  <br/>
  <em>There's nothing to forgive</em>
</p><p>The love that she had felt towards Amanda, even the love that had been hidden away in the end of their relationship was becoming deadly to her. Alesha was becoming more and more depressed as the weeks dragged on. She needed to be with Amanda but she wasn’t sure if she had enough courage to commit suicide to be with her dead girlfriend.</p><p>
  <em>But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Heartbreak and misery</em>
</p><p>Alesha wanted the thoughts to end and for them to just leave her alone. She didn’t want to be in this world without her girlfriend and now that Amanda was gone. Alesha was certain she no longer wanted to be in the world. She had to do it. She just had to for everything to seem alright with her.</p><p>
  <em>It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way</em>
  <br/>
  <em>You're happy without me</em>
</p><p>Alesha wasn’t happy anymore, like she thought that she would have been after her break up with Amanda. It was the worst feeling in the world to her and Alesha wanted that feeling to be gone in anyway possible. She would have done anything to switch with Amanda and be the one that had committed suicide first.</p><p>
  <em>I'm jealous of the nights</em>
  <br/>
  <em>That I don't spend with you</em>
</p><p>Alesha had found herself wondering what she would find in heaven, if she would find Amanda. She wondered what Amanda was up to in heaven, pulling pranks and being cheeky. The way that she had been before the relationship between the two women had gone sour and almost unloving in Alesha’s mind.</p><p>
  <em>I'm wondering who you lay next to</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Oh, I'm jealous of the nights</em>
</p><p>Alesha was jealous of Amanda being happy in death. At least she looked happy at her funeral and she looked peaceful. Alesha was glad to see how peaceful Amanda looked. It reminded her of after they had used to make love and Amanda would cuddle up to Alesha and lay her head on Alesha’s chest.</p><p>
  <em>I'm jealous of the love</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Love that was in here</em>
</p><p>Alesha was remembering the way that Amanda would make love to her. It had been so gentle and loving whenever they were intimate. They had been intimate so many times and it had been amazing whenever they did.</p><p>
  <em>Gone for someone else to share</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Oh, I'm jealous of the love, cause</em>
</p><p>Alesha smiled as she got out the items she would need to commit suicide. A knife to cut and bandages to cover what she had done. Alesha got into the shower, washing her body as preparation before she did the deed.</p><p>
  <em>I wished you the best of</em>
  <br/>
  <em>All this world could give</em>
</p><p>Alesha got out of the shower and she smiled when she saw her body. She saw it the way that she hoped she was going to look like in heaven. There was no scars on her body from when she had started cutting, and she was even more curvy that she was now.</p><p>
  <em>And I told you when you left me</em>
  <br/>
  <em>There's nothing to forgive</em>
</p><p>Alesha dried herself off the best she could, considering that her hands were shaking with nervousness. She smiled once she was naked, a hand darting in between her legs to touch the sensitive folds. That would be the last time that Alesha would touch that part of her body.</p><p>
  <em>But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Heartbreak and misery</em>
</p><p>Alesha brought her hand out from in between her legs and she wiped it dry on her towel. She went into her bedroom and then turned around, going back into the bathroom. She looked at the knife on the sink counter and decided she would do it once and for all.</p><p>
  <em>It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way</em>
  <br/>
  <em>You're happy without me</em>
</p><p>Alesha could only hope that she was going to look as peaceful as Amanda did in death. Amanda had looked so peaceful when the funeral had been done. Alesha hadn’t wanted the coffin to close on the love of her life but she knew it was coming before Amanda was lowered into her grave.</p><p>
  <em>As I sink in the sand</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Watch you slip through my hands</em>
</p><p>Amanda seemed peaceful in death. She looked happy in her coffin and Alesha knew that she was probably happy in heaven. She wasn’t happy without Amanda and regretted each day that she was the cause of her mental health decline and her suicide. Alesha needed to be with my Amanda.</p><p>
  <em>Oh, as I die here another day</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Cause all I do is cry behind this smile</em>
</p><p>Alesha planned to kill herself the same way that Amanda had. A knife to the heart and cuts on the wrists. She raised the knife to her chest, making a slash and watched as the crimson blood started to trickle down her bare chest. It hurt too much in Alesha’s mind for her to scream out in pain.</p><p>
  <em>I wished you the best of</em>
  <br/>
  <em>All this world could give</em>
</p><p>Very quickly she could feel herself fading away with that one slash. Alesha began to lose consciousness, seeing black spots dance across her vision as she made her way to her bed. She felt herself pass away quietly as she lost consciousness and felt her soul rise and fly.</p><p>
  <em>And I told you when you left me</em>
  <br/>
  <em>There's nothing to forgive</em>
</p><p>Alesha was now in search of Amanda. She knew she would be in heaven but she could only hope that she was waiting for me. Alesha awoke in a white room, naked and free of all harm she had done to herself. Amanda was sitting by Alesha’s side, as beautiful as the day she had met her and without harm as well.</p><p>
  <em>But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Heartbreak and misery</em>
</p><p>They hugged tightly, whispering how much they missed each other. Amanda was crying by the end of their exchange and they vowed they wouldn’t spend another day apart if they could help it now that they were together again. Alesha had gotten back the love of her life and she couldn’t have been happier at that moment that they were together in heaven.</p><p>
  <em>It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way</em>
  <br/>
  <em>You're happy without me</em>
</p>
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